I’m
terrified. In exactly 37 days, I will be graduating from Winona State with a
Bachelor’s Degree in English, $40,000 of debt and absolutely no idea what I
want to do with my life. I always thought that by now, I would have it figured
out. I would know who I was going to marry, I would know what I wanted to do
for a career, and I would definitely not be moving back in to my parents’
basement.
Don’t get
me wrong: I’ve been job searching almost daily, trying desperately to try to
find somewhere to work that will pay me enough to not have to move back home. But the problem is that I have no idea
if any of these jobs are actually what I want to be doing with my life. I
majored in English because I loved to write, but there are no creative writer
positions on monster.com. There is so much that I want to do, but I feel stuck
with no way to do it. With $190.72 in my bank account, I cannot plan a
backpacking trip throughout Europe this summer; I cannot buy a new car that
will drive me across the country to a brand new life; I cannot just say “fuck
it,” and lock myself in a room and try to write a novel, because I need to eat
and pay bills and buy shampoo and put gas in my car.
This
article lays out just how bad the unemployment rate for college grads is; it’s
not as bad as high school graduates, certainly, but the fear is still there
that I may not find any job, let
alone one that deals with my major. http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2013/04/how-bad-is-the-job-market-for-college-grads-your-definitive-guide/274580/
This website shows just how the job market is looking for college grads in
2013, and how bad it is compared to years past.
So the
constant struggle comes from the want to do extravagant things but no means to
do them. I have always been financially independent from my parents; I pay for
school, bills, everything… all by myself. With 19 credits this semester in
hopes to graduate in four years and (hopefully) a little less debt, that leaves
little time for a job. Which leaves me little money, basically always. I know I
need a job come May 10th, but I can’t seem to find a balance between
the need to pay my bills and the want to follow my dreams.
Especially
when I will be graduating with more debt than the average borrower. Because of
my financial independence, I am about $40,000 in debt come graduation day. This
article: http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/magazine/2012/04/student-debt-grows-to-alarming-levels/index.htm
shows just how bad this student debt problem is. Which leaves me to ask the
question, how do we both follow our dreams and pay our bills? What if we value
being financially stable over following a dream? Why is this so stigmatized?
Who decided
that we need to know what we want to do on graduation day, anyway? What if I
want to just bum around, enjoy the sunshine without an impending pile of
homework, and just enjoy my life for the first time in my sixteen years of
schooling? Who says that the Monday after I walk across the stage with my
diploma is when my “real life” has to start? I have forty years of work ahead
of me, complete with a mortgage, health bills and everything else that comes
with adult life. I almost can’t blame myself for wanting to hold on to my youth
a little bit longer.
Reading
this article on thoughtcatalog: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/im-about-to-graduate-and-im-terrified/
sparked my interest to write about my own experience at this stage in my life.
I feel just as terrified as I did as an 18 year-old college freshman, but for
completely different reasons. Four years ago, my world was open, but set to a
certain path. I knew where I was going, I just didn’t know what I would find.
And now, four years later and not that much wiser (at least, not that I can
tell), I am terrified because my world is open, and not set to any particular
path at all. I get to choose this time, and with so many choices, I’m tempted
to not make a choice at all.
